I don’t usually write posts like this. Well, at least I don’t post them. They are banished to an obscure folder that even I can’t find on my laptop with titles like “Document 7” when they get saved at all.
But I’m tired and this week was overwhelming. Even as I typed that, I was thinking, you have absolutely no idea what overwhelming is. Overwhelming is this blog, which I’ve been reading for the past hour. Which is probably why I am now MORE overwhelmed and stream-of-consciousness writing like her.
I’m not ready to share all the things that are going on, except to say they feel pretty much like my 500m swim yesterday: disjointed, endless, like I can’t breathe because of all the things I’m trying to gulp down, which turn out to just nothing but air but nevertheless are inside me now making me bloated, heavy, uncomfortable.
Also, feeling like a fraud. For all the times I’ve chirped at my friends, “you have to have bad [swim] days to appreciate the good ones!” and “just be grateful for what you CAN do!” Ugh. I couldn’t internalize any of it during my swim, just empty air. I tried, but the words actually made me mad. One mad swim. I wonder if I’m making anyone else mad by chirping at them (sorry).
And yet…and yet…and yet. While I’ve been typing this, good news has been appearing in my inbox. Little nudges in the direction of it-sucks-now-but-it’ll-get-better-just-hang-on. So I shall. There’s really nothing else to do in these moments but double down on existing anyway.
Also, taking stock of the things that are overwhelming. What can I put down for awhile? What frustrations can I let go of? What’s actually important here?
I need to breathe. I need to take stock and breathe and not in that order. I need to take a break and then begin again with one project I can do quickly and feel good about. And then another while waiting for bits of good news to come floating by. I’ll snatch them up, even if they are not exactly the answer I need, and I will consider them the universe’s way of chirping at me, but not being obnoxious about it.
And I will remember something Heather posted in our Team Drea group, which I hadn’t needed until now. So I will hit publish on this one, and hope it contains something you need — now or later.